He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
