I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
She needs sedatives and a leash
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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