i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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