I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
