I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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