is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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