I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
