Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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