You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
