Your dad touched me again.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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