You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
