Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
