I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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