This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
