you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
