Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
