She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
