Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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