Nicole vs. Life
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
he fucked my hip out of place.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize