My underwear smells like fireworks.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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