Sponge bath it is.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
