Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize