Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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