I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
