i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize