you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
