Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize