You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
