Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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