I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
