Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I didn't notice because vodka
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
