fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
