I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
