Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
