Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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