seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
