i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
