we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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