Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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