Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
