She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize