I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
