youre lurking in front of me
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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