Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
