I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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