Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
