she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
