i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
