Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
