finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you win again, gameday.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
