you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Randomize
