Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
