True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
