He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
