Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
