wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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