Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
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