I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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