Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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