walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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