im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
