in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
