were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
It was confusing and full of hummus
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
