he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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