Fine. I'll sleep in my office
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
