I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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