If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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