I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
