New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
